(Begin with Thanks, End with Giving)

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‘I’d rather walk through a moonless night on frozen wasteland crust, than feel the burn that your agonizingly graceful apathy brings.’- Rollins

IMG_3517By Henry Rollins from his book Solipsist.

 

Every day I don’t humiliate myself, I feel stronger somehow. Staying away from that which would destroy me is to possess a small victory.

It seems that the things I want are those that come with the danger of hurting me in ways I cannot cope with. The pain of the loneliness is great, but nothing compared to the wretchedness of humiliation and abandonment.  I hate myself for my cowardice but at the same time I compliment myself for not walking willingly into the slaughterhouse thinly disguised as shelter.

I’d rather walk through a moonless night on frozen wasteland crust than feel the burn that your agonizingly graceful apathy brings.  You can blow me off your shoulder like a speck of ash.  I’ll float silently and invisibly to the ground, unnoticed.

So in order to not have to endure this, I move quickly and wordlessly through urban landscapes.  Every day I feel a sense of accomplishment.

When I think of you, all I see is a banded spitting cobra with unmoving, unreadable black eyes. Mouth slightly open.  Always ready to attack.

And now the part that I hate to admit.  I am frail and you are all I think about.  I am powerless to stop.  I have always loved you.  Long after you forgot my name.  Long after the leaves left the trees and fell through frozen air.  I was never strong enough to stop the pain from crippling me.  This is my last effort to get your respect and maybe a drop of your affection, full of pity as it may be.