‘I’d rather walk through a moonless night on frozen wasteland crust, than feel the burn that your agonizingly graceful apathy brings.’- Rollins

IMG_3517By Henry Rollins from his book Solipsist.

 

Every day I don’t humiliate myself, I feel stronger somehow. Staying away from that which would destroy me is to possess a small victory.

It seems that the things I want are those that come with the danger of hurting me in ways I cannot cope with. The pain of the loneliness is great, but nothing compared to the wretchedness of humiliation and abandonment.  I hate myself for my cowardice but at the same time I compliment myself for not walking willingly into the slaughterhouse thinly disguised as shelter.

I’d rather walk through a moonless night on frozen wasteland crust than feel the burn that your agonizingly graceful apathy brings.  You can blow me off your shoulder like a speck of ash.  I’ll float silently and invisibly to the ground, unnoticed.

So in order to not have to endure this, I move quickly and wordlessly through urban landscapes.  Every day I feel a sense of accomplishment.

When I think of you, all I see is a banded spitting cobra with unmoving, unreadable black eyes. Mouth slightly open.  Always ready to attack.

And now the part that I hate to admit.  I am frail and you are all I think about.  I am powerless to stop.  I have always loved you.  Long after you forgot my name.  Long after the leaves left the trees and fell through frozen air.  I was never strong enough to stop the pain from crippling me.  This is my last effort to get your respect and maybe a drop of your affection, full of pity as it may be.

Jael- You Remain (This song haunts, guts…)

I’d rather be dead
I’m never gonna hear your laughter anyway
I’d rather be numb
I’m never gonna feel you touching me anyway
You’re the one that went away
but I’m gone as well
You’ve taken me with you
You died – and I will never be alive again

I’m never gonna be…
never gonna be…
never gonna be alive again
You remain as a shade on my heart
You remain as a shade

I’d rather be a stone:
standing still, enduring everything
I’d rather be water
so I could rinse away the pain
I’d rather be fire
so I could burn every memory of you
I’d rather be wind
’cause he’s dancing with you
– it’s the wind that has taken you away from me
– it’s the wind that has taken you away from me

I’m never gonna be…
never gonna be…
never gonna be alive again
You remain as a shade on my heart
You remain as a shade

Giant Drag- Wicked Game

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you,
Strange what desire, make foolish people do.
I never dreamed that I’d meet somebody like you…
I never dreamed that I’d lose…Somebody

*Chorus*:
And I don’t wanna fall in love
No I don’t wanna fall in Love…

What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way
what a wicked thing to do,to make me dream of you
what a wicked thing to say, You never felt this way
What a wicked thing to do, Make me dream of you

*Chorus*

The world was on fire now no one could save me…
Aint it strange what desire….

I never dreamed that I’d love somebody like you…
I never dreamed that I’d lose…Somebody

*Chorus*(with extra)
And I dont wanna fall in love (this world is only gonna break your heart)
No I don’t wanna fall in Love (this world is only gonna break your heart)

And I…. I don’t wanna fall in Love (this world is only gonna break your heart)

Nobody loves no one.